The Simple Plot of Final Fantasy 7

The Simple Plot of Final Fantasy 7 is a track appearing in Starbomb, being a parody of, unsurprisingly, Final Fantasy VII.

Lyrics
Speaker: Hello, and welcome to "Talking Video Games." Today's subject is "Games with Simple Plots." I'd like to welcome our guests. Would each of you please say who you are, and give a brief summary of the plot of your game?

Pac-Man: YES HELLO MY NAME IS PAC-MAN AND I EAT DOTS AND FRUIT

Donkey Kong: My name is Donkey Kong, I throw barrels at a guy.

Cloud: Hi, I'm Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII. My game's plot is pretty simple. It goes like this...

Cloud: I was a mercenary working for the AVALANCHE gang Awesome eco-terrorists who you'd probably wanna bang I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid And got shot into a slum, where I could have gotten "squaids." That's squirrel AIDS, for anyone who's wondering at home Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone Her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard

Speaker: Okay Cloud, this is getting complex So I'm gonna move on to one of our other guests --

Cloud: I knew that Aerith was a Cetra

Speaker: ...excuse me, I was singing--

Cloud: She could lead us to a Promised Land where energy was springing I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained

Speaker: Um... There I met Red XIII, a talking lion with a mane

Speaker: Cloud -- The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth A super-evil JENOVA-style monster clone jerkoff

Speaker: Hey!

Cloud: We learned about JENOVA, got our things and then departed

Speaker: Wait, I'm totally confused--

Cloud: I haven't even gotten started We met Cait Sith, as well as Vincent, Cid, and Yuffie We had gotten very tired, and my balls were kinda poofy So Aerith let us rest, her tired ass continued on Until Sephiroth killed her, and then she turned into a swan

Speaker: What?!--

Cloud: WAIT! That didn't happen. Sorry, let me get rebooted This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted An earthquake happened, then it started snowing like December Then some other shit went down that I don't seem to remember

Speaker: You're using up the whole show, Cloud, please take a rest So let's hear from one of our many other fine guests Q*bert, what's your game about?

Q*bert: I jump on blocks!

Speaker: And you, Asteroids ship?

Asteroids ship: I blow up rocks.

Cloud: Back to my story, Sephiroth was casting spells To make a giant Meteor, and blow Gaia to hell

Glass Joe: Wait, that doesn't make sense, how on earth would you know...?

Cloud: Shut your stupid French mouth No-one asked you, Glass Joe! GOD!

Speaker: I'm so sorry I'm gonna cut your story short Your plot is way too friggin' crazy, and we've got One more guest we need to meet And here he is now!

Frogger: Hi, my name is Frogger, and I try to cross the street!

Cloud: Fuck you, Frogger! I killed Hojo and I went to the planet's core Sit down, Ninja Gaiden! I'm not done, you stupid whore! We defeated Sephiroth, who was now in god-like form And we cast a Holy spell to stop the asteroid storm The Lifestream stopped the Meteor, the whole planet was saved

Dig Dug: After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave

Cloud: You got somethin' to say, Dig Dug?! You wanna fucking go -- wait why's this hose in my ass OH JESUS GOD NO!!! --